Why I write.

Ever since I was a little girl, I wanted to be the first female NHL goalie in history. My favorite goalie was Niklas Bäckström, who played for the Minnesota Wild for 9 seasons, from 2006 to 2015. I begged my parents to let me play hockey goalie and asked them to sign me up for goalie lessons.

I took lessons on and off for almost 10 years, and both boys and men constantly surrounded me. There was a joke that I was the only one who ever used the women’s locker room, which was mostly true.

My coaches would constantly use me as an example to show other boy goalies my age how to do a specific skill or technique. My mom would receive email after email every year, asking me to play for highly selective state teams and to fill in for various boys’ teams.

I remember filling in for a boy’s team. I knew many of them since they were in my grade and went to my school. Some of the boys weren’t always the kindest to me and treated me differently since I am a girl. However, that game I filled in on was their best game of the season, and I let in zero goals. Other times I filled in, I saved all of the future varsity players' shots, and they were humbled around me to say the least.

Unfortunately, hockey is notorious for head injuries and concussions. I received quite a few, maybe around five, minor concussions playing goalie over the years. I never stopped playing, I always kept going, even if I blacked out after a headshot. On top of that, I had a traumatic brain injury (TBI) when I was around two years old. My parents were always very cautious when it came to me playing contact sports with my history.

By the time I reached high school, I was incredibly burnt out and was dealing with some mental health problems. It was sad to see my passion slowly die out after taking a few years to focus on other sports like diving and lacrosse. Unfortunately, I got another TBI during this time at a swim meet, and I was almost paralyzed and was basically out of school for the entire year. After healing, I decided to return to the ice my senior year of high school since it was just rec hockey. During my second game, I got a puck to the head, I remember blacking out and I tried to keep playing. I didn't explain the severity of my head injury to my parents right away since I didn't want to have to give up hockey again. That was a horrible choice. It made my head much worse and caused me to miss a large amount of school again. Eventually, I went to the doctor, and they informed me that there is no way I could ever play contact sports again.

Hockey was my outlet; it was a place where I could be myself and be appreciated for it. I felt empowered. It wasn’t always easy being the only girl at times, but it made me feel strong and like I was just as capable as boys. I meant so many amazing girls, especially other goalies, who were wonderful on and off the ice. Being a girl and a hockey goalie created an alliance between all of us, even if we were on opposing teams. Goalies, like girls, had to stick together. After this news, I felt like giving up hockey for good meant giving up that sense of empowerment I felt. I knew I needed to find other ways to feel empowered that didn't come from playing contact sports.

This is when I started to spend more time writing and creating art. When I was young, I loved to write stories and be creative. I loved to draw, paint, do arts and crafts and anything else that allowed my brain to flow free. When I started to activate this part of my brain again, it didn’t feel natural at first. But I stuck with it and was able to express myself in a way that felt good for me and made me feel empowered. The feeling I thought was gone was slowly returning, and it was exciting. As I grow as a writer, this feeling of empowerment continues to deepen. I feel like I have found my voice as a feminist writer and have been able to promote the coming together of women in a new, yet equally powerful, way. So that is why I chose to write.